Funny Friday: Soccer Isn’t for Everyone

Ann Coulter has called shenanigans on soccer in her The Clarion Ledger post. Ridiculous? @TheTweetofGod thinks so.

Our Space readers, if you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit of a soccer super supporter. (Fanatic is probably the more appropriate term when it comes to American standards). So for this Funny Friday, my colleague Mary and I are dissecting Ann Coulter’s argument about the beautiful game being “un-American.” We think we can find a few holes.

“I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game.”

As English major, I understand hyperbole; however, just for good measure, let’s take a look at how long games typically last.

Regulation play for soccer is 90 minutes (two 45 minute halves) plus a few minutes for stoppage time. A typical broadcast will last only about two hours. As she references that baseball, football and basketball are worthy American sports, we should note that that average major league baseball (which has NO time limit or technical inning limit if the game is tied after nine) is over three hours—the longest single game was 8 hours and six minutes— the average NFL game is also over three hours and the average NBA game is almost two and a half hours.

Meaning, Soccer is shorter.

Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer.”

Right, individuals don’t exist in soccer. No one cares about those caps or which keepers make stops or who has scored the most goals. There are NO stats in this sport. Oh wait, those are all HUGE individual stats. My bad. But the beautiful thing about the beautiful game is that it is a team sport (just like baseball, basketball and football).

“No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.”

First of all, this is the Men’s World Cup. The Women’s is next year, so at the serious, competitive level, they are OBVIOUSLY not co-ed. If they were, Abby Wambach would be dominating in Brazil right now. But to address the Kindergarten part, remember co-ed tee-ball? Remember co-ed-basketball and basketball camps? And what about Ashley Martin becoming the NCAA’s first female football player? Or is college football not a serious sport?

“The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport.”

As a former college athlete, I didn’t really sign on for the whole injury part OR personal humiliation. As such, I did in fact experience both; however, during my trips to the trainer, I found MANY male and female soccer players were there to nurse injuries just like me. Some of them way more intense. As I was also a sports journalist covering the soccer teams in college, I also got to witness personal humiliation.

ALSO, I think Suarez (and his children) may be experiencing a bit of humiliation presently.

“What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs.”

SEVERAL ANIMALS ALSO HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS… and/or toes, because they’re just that cool, including Organutans, Gorillas, Chimpanzees, Lesser Apes, Old World Monkeys, Cebidae, Koalas, Opossums, Giant Pandas, Troodons, Bambiraptors (technically, they’re extinct, but still), Aye-ayes, Bonobos and Phyllomedusas.

“No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer.”

Quick lesson in rhetoric, when you dabble with absolutes, make sure they are absolutes. My great-grandfather was born here. In fact, my great-great-great grandfather was born here. In fact, my lineage in this country can be traced to the Revolutionary War, and I LOVE soccer.

But seriously, xenophobia and prejudice are not good looks on anybody. At any rate, isn’t adding to the cultural fabric inherently completely American? America: a cultural melting pot since 1492.

 

Mary and I pointed out only a few holes in Coulter’s argument. Find any others? Please tell us in the comments.

Cover Photo Source: fstockfoto / Shutterstock.com

Cassandra is a Content Manager and Developer at SJG. She earned her BA from Fontbonne University in 2011. Outside the office, she enjoys an active, healthy and well-rounded lifestyle including reading, writing, running, golfing, watching films, listening to music, taking photographs, and consuming media and social media.
Mary is an Assistant Account Executive at SJG. She earned her BA in Communication from the University of Evansville in 2013. In her spare time, when she’s not engulfing novels in a coffee shop, Mary feels most at home celebrating life and love with her family and friends, and visiting the streets of Paris in her dreams.